“What do we have here?” he asked aloud, though there was no one else around to answer as he peered out the view port through his telescope. “A bathtub? Must be ship wreck somewhere close by….hello!”

It was a porcelain tub, the old fashioned kind with the high back and little lion’s paw feet, he was sure it was even though he couldn’t see most of the object. It bobbed up and down on the open seas, an odd find surely but this was only the start of it. A silver rod shot up from the high back of the tub and a shower head hung down looking into the tub as if contemplating it’s peculiar existence, and around in a ring around this hung a shower curtain with what seemed to be pink and purple jellyfish on a blue field.

He blinked, rubbing his eyes and glancing around his lair before glancing back down through the telescope at the odd thing floating below. Even odder was the thing that was contained within the tub itself.

A young woman reclined in the tub, a book in her hand and a pen in the other, tip in her mouth as she stared with thought at the page held aloft the bubbles of the tub that obscured the rest of her body. All but her shoulders and her feet, which hung out over the side, toes painted a bright pink.

Drifting lower he heard a voice rise up in the air.

“We splish and we splash
We rub and we dub
We sail the seas in a porcelain tub

Suds up me duckies yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, suds up me duckies yo ho

We’ll hoist the jellyfish curtains high
And launch bars of soap into the skies

Suds up me duckies yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, suds up me duckies yo ho

Soap in their eyes will sting and hurt
And render our enemies all inert

Suds up me duckies yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, suds up me duckies yo ho

Soon yer booty will belong to me…
But I’ve a feeling you won’t complain

Suds up me duckies yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, suds up me duckies yo ho

Rubber duck crew mates are really the best
I’ll keep all the treasure and leave ‘em the chest

Suds up me duckies yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, suds up me duckies yo ho”

Upon closer inspection she seemed to be….a pirate? Three sheets to the wind..?

The sun glinted of her sud slicked legs, distracting the crew and she looked up as a shadow blocked out the sun. She reached up to clutch her hat as she looked up, dropping her pen and hoisting her book high up in the air, seeming alarmed  by the presence of the Dirigible.

“Soap suds n’ barnacles!” She exclaimed, wide eyed. “Hoist the colors high Captain Quack! Prepare the bubbles First Mate Wade! Let them cower in fear of my fleet of rubber duckies!”

He was a bit surprised by her sudden flare of her temper, and a bit distracted as she leaned forward (though the bubbles seemed to keep her covered), still keeping her book held high. Indeed her colors were hoisted aloft, a bath towel with what appeared to be a cat skull and criss crossed behind this a pen and a paintbrush, adding to the confusion of the encounter. He stared open mouthed and wide eyed, a trait uncommon to him as Lord Vandermore, and for good reason. Looking back at the girl he was met by a bar of soap being launched from heaven knows where, straight into his eyes.

“Yar-merow! Surrender ye cur! Or be blasted by bubbles and boarded by the ferocious and frisky Kitty The Terrible! Scourge of the Bath Tub!”

—-

The podcast is coming back, and this time with a new boarder… host. Stay tuned.

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The Pain is currently sailing towards Los Angeles, California, in the effort to kidnap one Chris Miller, of The Secret Lair. He and I have needed to chat for some time now. If the capture is successful, I am sure the conversation will be an enlightening one. If the capture is not successful, those involved in the capture will be dead from The Secret Lair’s defenses, or they will be, from their incompetence. If you are to be involved in the the capture, please report to deck C for implantation of remote devices and deployment.

I look forward to my chat with Mr. Miller, and I am sure you will to.

– Lord Vandermore

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